


ain't no sound (like the sound of your voice)

by hawksonfire



Series: Clint Barton Bingo 2019 [14]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, Avenger Bucky Barnes, Awkward Boners, Bucky Barnes' Trigger Words, Bucky makes himself deaf to avoid being triggered, Deaf Bucky Barnes, Deaf Clint Barton, Fluff, Hydra are Dickholes, Hydra tries to trigger Bucky, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Sign Language, boys cuddling, does that count as self mutilation, idk - Freeform, just in case
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 07:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19268935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawksonfire/pseuds/hawksonfire
Summary: It hurts. It hurts worse than Bucky can remember anything else hurting - but that’s not saying much.If he screams, he can’t hear it. If anyone else screams - well, he can’t hear that either.And when the ringing in his ears goes on long enough that it becomes background noise, Bucky realizes that he can’t hear at all.





	ain't no sound (like the sound of your voice)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flawedamythyst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedamythyst/gifts), [ClaraxBarton](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaraxBarton/gifts).



> Written for Bucky Barnes Bingo Square U2 - Shared Trauma.  
> Also written for Clint Barton Bingo Square I2 - Sign Language. _BINGO Y'ALL!_
> 
> I 100% blame [ flawedamethyst ](https://flawedamythyst.tumblr.com/) and [ ClaraxBarton ](https://claraxbarton.tumblr.com/) for this, and you should too. 
> 
> My boy doesn't deserve this.

**Bucky**

The first time it happened, Bucky holed himself up in his room for three days and only came out when he heard that Natalia was trying to walk up the stairs on her broken leg. He apologized, she said it was unnecessary, and the conversation ended with them both glaring at each other.

The fourth time it happened, it was Steve who got hurt - and even though he was completely healed within a week, Bucky still stole one of Clint’s sonic arrows and keeps it in his belt. Just in case.

The sixth time it happened, Stark managed to stop him before any _really_ serious damage was done, but Bucky still swears that he’s not going to go out on any more calls. That lasts about a month before the Avengers get a call that he can’t refuse.

~~~~~~

The day had started off decent enough. The team - Bucky still has trouble believing that he’s part of the team now - had breakfast together. Bruce cooked, Steve was his annoyingly perky self, Stark practically drowned himself in coffee, and Natalia just made herself a bowl of cereal and watched them all try to become functioning human beings.

And then Clint stumbled in, beelining directly towards the coffee machine and pouting when he realized it was empty. Bucky really shouldn’t have, not with Natalia and Steve both watching, but he rolled his eyes and pushed his mug into Clint’s hands anyway.

“I could kiss you for that,” Clint had said, and Bucky only _just_ held back his first response (which was to kiss Clint first, but consent is kind of a big thing for Bucky nowadays).

So, instead, he’d responded with, “At least take me out on a date first, doll,” and Clint had nearly choked on the coffee he was inhaling. Bucky had grinned to show that he was joking, and he could’ve sworn that he had seen a flash of disappointment cross Clint’s face.

Clint had said something dumb, Bucky can’t remember what it was, and Natalia had rolled her eyes. There were a few more minutes of playful banter exchanged, and then the Assemble alarm went off. “What’s happening, JARVIS?” Stark had said, all traces of laughter wiped from his face.

“It appears that Hydra has taken a school bus full of children hostage, and is threatening to shoot them unless Sergeant Barnes hands himself over to them.” Stark’s robot butler sounds apologetic, and Bucky appreciated the effort - he and JARVIS had become pretty good friends while Bucky’s been staying in the Tower, and JARVIS was pretty good about indulging Bucky’s need to know where everyone is when he wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.

The team (except for Bruce) had grabbed their gear and piled into the Quinjet, planning on the way. “Well, obviously we can’t hand him over,” Steve had said, and Bucky knew he wasn’t going to let a school bus full of children die but he couldn’t help but feel like Steve had been prioritizing him over the safety of others. Again.

“We also can’t let those kids get hurt,” Bucky said, and Stark looked at him oddly.

“I’d have thought the _last_ thing you’d want to do here is hand yourself over, Robocop,” he said.

Bucky shrugged, unhurt by Stark’s assumption. “I may be a killer, but I’m not a monster, Stark. Children are off-limits. Hydra must be getting desperate, they aren’t usually this public.”

“We’re not giving Bucky to them,” Steve said stubbornly, and honestly, Bucky loved the guy, but he was way too stubborn for his own good. Of course, that had set Stark off and the two had spiralled into an argument about how they should proceed while the rest of them watched and rolled their eyes from the sidelines.

“I’ll go in and get them to let the kids go,” Bucky’s words had stopped Steve in his tracks, and Bucky continued before he could argue. “Once the kids are free and clear, I’ll take out the Hydra bastards. Easy as pie.”

“What about your words?” Natalia said, and Steve had glared at her - overprotective idiot. “If you think they won’t drop at least one to either knock you out or reset you as soon as you step onto that bus, then you need a refresher in our Hydra course.”

“Earplugs,” Bucky said, “They’ve worked before.”

“Yeah, but they left you unable to hear us as well,” Clint had pointed out, “And they don’t work all the time.”

They had fallen silent, and Bucky had no doubt that they were remembering the last time Hydra had managed to trigger him - he had broken Steve’s arm and nearly threw Natalia off a building before Stark shot him with a tranq dart. “We don’t have time to discuss this, there are _children_ at risk,” Bucky’s frustration was clear in his voice, “I’m going in and once the kids are free, I’ll take them out. End of discussion.”

They arrived at the scene and Bucky stalked out of the Quinjet, pulling on his mask and walking through the crowd of people. Most of the people there were the kids' parents, if what they were yelling at him was any indication, but one lady grabbed his arm and said quietly, “Get our kids back, but don’t let them get you in exchange. I was in DC, I saw what you can do when they have you.” Bucky blinked at her and nodded, then turned away and shoved in his earplugs, dulling the roar of sound around him to a quiet murmur.

He knew this wasn’t going to end well, and he could only hope that he managed to enact his Plan B before they could activate him. Coming to a stop a few feet in front of the bus, he had raised his arms and said, “Let the kids go. When they’re all out of the bus, alive and unharmed, I’ll come in.”

There was no response but the bus door opened and a little kid ran out, stopping in front of Bucky. “They said to tell you that they’ll keep one of us behind as insurance, but once you go on the bus, they’ll let them go.”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Bucky said softly, “Captain America’s gonna take you to your parents now, okay?” The kid had nodded and run to Steve, who scooped him up and retreated back into the crowd. “Terms accepted,” Bucky said, raising his voice so he could be heard from inside the bus. The bus doors had opened again, and kids had started to trickle out, running past Bucky towards where he knew that Stark and Steve were beckoning them closer.

The last kid came out of the bus crying, and Bucky knelt in front of her. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“They still have Bobby,” the kid had sobbed, and Bucky’s heart clenched.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get him back, alright? Can you tell me how many of them there were or where they were?”

“There were five of them,” the kid said, “And they all had guns and were mean to me and my friends. Bobby’s sitting near the front and I heard them saying that they were going to make you go with them. You shouldn’t go with them, Mr. Winter Soldier Sir, they’re bad guys.”

“I know,” Bucky said, handing off the kid to Steve, “But I’m an Avenger, so it’s my job to stop the bad guys.”

“Kick them right in the nuts, Mr. Winter Soldier Sir,” the kid said, and Bucky had to hold in a laugh.

“I’ll do my best,” he had promised, “You go with Cap now, he’ll make sure you get back to your parents.”

“Bucky,” Steve had said warningly, but Bucky just shook his head.

“It’ll be fine, Steve,” he lied, “I’ll be okay. Go.” Steve had nodded and clapped him on the shoulder, then walked away with the little kid staring over his shoulder at Bucky. Bucky had walked towards the bus, hands in the air, and when he stepped onto it and saw the kid they kept behind, he nearly killed them all right then and there. “Hey, pal,” Bucky said, “You alright?”

The kid nodded. Bucky knelt in front of him, ignoring the Hydra goons, and whispers, “When you leave the bus, tell the guy with the bow that I’m going to make a really loud noise, okay?” Bobby nodded and Bucky picked him up and put him outside the bus, then watched him run towards Clint.

And then the Hydra goons pulled him back inside and shoved him to his knees. They pulled out his earplugs and a familiar red book and started reading from it, and Bucky chanced one last look out the window, hoping to get one last glimpse of freedom. He just hoped that Steve or Stark would be able to take him down once he’s gone.

“Желаниe.” _Longing._ Bucky felt his legs lock up.

“pжавый.” _Rusted._ A spike of pain shot through his head.

“семнадцать.” _Seventeen._ An idea flashed through his mind, and Bucky had to hold back a grimace.

“рассвет.” _Daybreak._ His flesh hand inched towards a pouch on his belt.

“Печь.” _Furnace._ A whisper of fabric as he slipped two fingers into the pouch.

“Девять.” _Nine._ His hand dropped slowly down to his side.

“Доброкачественные.” _Benign._ His spine locked up.

“Возвращение домой.” _Homecoming._ The pain in his head is excruciating, but Bucky focuses on his hand and slowly, it begins to rise.

“Один.” _One._ Bucky grits his teeth and forces his arm to keep rising, all the way up to his mouth - and then he bites down on the sonic arrow he had stolen from Clint’s locker before they left, and his world exploded into pain.

He doesn’t remember much through the blinding pain he feels afterwards - he knows that all five Hydra goons were dead on the floor of the bus when he came back to himself. He knows that it can’t have taken more than a few seconds for him to kill them all, because Clint hasn’t made it to the bus yet.

And the last thing he knows just before he passes out, as Clint pulls open the door to the bus and his lips are shaping words that Bucky can only _just_ hear, is that biting down on that sonic arrow might have been a colossally stupid idea - but at least the last thing he heard was Clint’s voice.

~~~~~~

He wakes up in a hospital room, judging by the smell. He keeps his breathing steady and listens for noise, but it’s deathly silent. And then he remembers. Despite himself, his breath hitches and he feels someone grab his hand. His eyes fly open and he sees Steve, clutching at his hand and saying something. “---------- Bucky,” he says, and Bucky blinks, disoriented.

“Can’t hear you,” Bucky says - or thinks he says. Based on Steve’s wince, he’s too loud. He’s going to try again but the door flies open and Stark walks in, waving his hands and talking far too fast. Bucky gives up on trying to keep up with the conversation and settles back into the bed, closing his eyes.

They abruptly fly open again and he jerks upright, gasping. Steve and Stark are both beside him and Steve’s holding his hand and they’re probably both talking but Bucky can’t hear them - he can’t hear _anything_ and it’s just now hitting him what he’s done. If his hearing hasn’t come back by now, (probably) hours after the arrow exploded, if the serum hasn’t healed his ears by now - then it won’t.

 _Just another thing to add to the long, long list of things that Hydra took from me_ , Bucky thinks bitterly. He knows that with time, he’ll get used to being unable to hear. He knows that with time, he may even be able to be a decent fighter again. Time solves a lot of things, Bucky knows, but it won’t solve this.

Abruptly, he realizes that Stark left while he was freaking out - and that makes it worse, because he didn’t even notice. Steve is talking again, but Bucky is too tired and in too much pain to pay attention, so he just pulls his hand out of Steve’s and rolls over, training his eyes on the door. Eventually, Steve leaves, and Bucky keeps his eyes on the door for hours. They start to hurt after a while, but he ignores it.

A few people come and go from his room, medical staff mostly. Steve comes back once, but he leaves pretty quickly. It’s been about an hour since Bucky saw another person when Clint walks in. “You’re an idiot, you know that?” Clint says slowly. Bucky scoffs. Clint plops down on the chair next to his bed and just. Looks at him. Bucky squirms. Clint does something with his hands and Bucky blinks. He’s seen him do that with Natalia a few times, but he doesn’t know what it means.

 _Sign language_ , Clint writes on a piece of paper. _Wanna learn?_

Despite his growing desire to shut himself in his room and stay away from everybody else forever, Bucky nods.

~~~~~~

Bucky’s stuck in the medical bay for a full week after the Incident. He doesn’t mind so much mostly - Clint and Natalia both come and keep him company, and he picks up sign language quickly enough that he can follow a conversation between Natalia and Clint along if they aren’t moving too fast.

What he does mind, though, is sleeping. He didn’t realize how much he took his hearing for granted and how much he relied upon it until it was gone. Now, closing his eyes is disorienting. He can’t hear where people are anymore. If his eyes are closed, he doesn’t know when someone enters or leaves the room.

(The first time Steve came into his room and didn’t wait for Bucky to see him before he touched him... Well, he won’t be doing that again, that’s for sure.)

 _Earth to Bucky_. Clint’s hand waves in front of his face and Bucky snaps out of his daze.

 _What?_ He signs slowly, looking at Clint for approval. He may have an enhanced brain capacity and better hand-eye coordination thanks to the serum, but it’s not like he can just learn sign language in a day. He’s learning a new language in its entirety - that’s not exactly easy. Clint grins at him and nods, making Bucky smile self-consciously.

 _You up for some food? Bruce is making chili._ Honestly, Bucky’s a little in awe of how fluidly Clint’s hands move through the various signs. Probably doesn’t hurt that Bucky’s mouth goes a little dry every time he thinks about the dexterity that Clint’s hands have.

Bucky’s not sure how ready he is to be in a mostly unfamiliar space in his new circumstances. His room in the medical bay is safe - familiar. He can tell when the door opens even when he’s not looking at it, the lights aren’t too bright... Being in the kitchen will be a whole other story.

 _Hey._ Clint looks at him intensely. _I got your back._

A small knot of tension in Bucky’s chest releases, and he breathes out through his nose and then nods. He can do this. Right? It’s not so bad. He’s just going to have a nice meal with his team in their kitchen. He’s done this before. A million times. The only difference is now he’s going to have to pay a little more attention to understand what’s being talked about. It’s not like he talked much before anyway, so really, it shouldn’t be that different.

He swings his feet out of the bed and plants them on the floor, fighting back the wave of dizziness that brings. He takes a deep breath and pushes himself upright, swaying on his feet slightly as he adjusts. Clint’s beside him, and Bucky knows that if he starts to fall, Clint will catch him (if only) but he also knows that Clint won’t help him unless he asks. And Bucky’s a stubborn son of a bitch, so.

Slowly, Bucky and Clint make their way to the kitchen, Bucky leaning heavily on the wall as he walks. He sits heavily on a stool once they arrive and lays his head on his hands, breathing deeply to stave off the dizziness. He probably needed to walk more during his time in medical - it would’ve helped him get used to the change in his inner ear. Whoops.

A hand squeezes his thigh gently, and the only reason Bucky doesn’t jackknife out of the stool is because he recognizes Clint’s grip - which is probably weird, but whatever. He looks up and finds Steve and Bruce looking at him, and look. He loves Steve, okay. The man’s like a brother to him - always has been, always will be.

But the sheer pity on his face _hurts_. It’s almost exactly the expression Steve had on his face back when Bucky first turned himself in all that time ago. So Bucky does what he did then. He grabs a napkin, tears it into pieces and balls them up, and then flicks them at Steve until that damn expression is off his face.

“Big or small portion?” Steve asks slowly, lifting two different sized bowls. Bucky points to the smaller bowl and Bruce fills it, handing it to him with a small smile. Bucky must’ve been hungrier than he thought, because the bowl’s gone in a couple minutes and Bruce is filling it again before Bucky can even process that he’s eaten it all. Halfway through his fourth bowl, he abruptly gets nauseous and has to stop eating, dropping his spoon with a clatter.

 _You alright?_ Clint signs, and Bucky nods.

 _Nausea. It’ll pass._ He takes a couple deep breaths, focusing on Clint’s hand on his thigh to ground himself, and eventually the nausea fades away.

 _Tony incoming,_ Clint signs subtly, and Bucky has to suppress a smirk. He’s grateful for the warning because Stark tends to be rather intrusive and annoying if you aren’t prepared - but the fact that Clint and Natalia have come up with a sign specifically to warn of incoming Stark is fucking hilarious.

Stark sweeps into the kitchen, waving his hands and jabbering on about something - Bucky catches maybe three words of it before he gives up and just watches Steve’s expression change from confused to hopeful. Stark thrusts something at him and Bucky just barely avoids flinching when Stark sets it on the table. It’s a pair of hearing aids, similar to Clint’s except that these are silver. _He thought these might help,_ Clint signs, and Bucky can’t read his expression.

Hesitantly, he takes the hearing aids and fits them to his ear - suddenly his fingers are too big and clumsy and he keeps fumbling, and then Clint pushes his hands away and adjusts them properly.

The feather-light brushes of Clint’s fingers against the sensitive skin of Bucky’s ears does something to his stomach, and he finds himself wishing that Clint had lingered more on his skin. He zones out a little bit, thinking about what he would do if Clint _did_ linger more, maybe even letting his fingers drift from Bucky’s ears to his lips. A hand waving in front of his face snaps him out of it, and he viciously suppresses the blush he can feel coming on. No need to make _everyone_ aware of his blossoming feelings for a certain blond archer.

 _Turn them on, see how they feel,_ Clint signs, and he smiles encouragingly.

Ignoring the sudden pounding of his heart - he is the Winter goddamn Soldier, and the Winter goddamn Soldier does not get _nervous_ , thank you very much - Bucky takes a deep breath and steels himself, then reaches up and turns them on.

He doesn’t realize his eyes are squeezed shut until someone takes the hand that’s still by his ear and squeezes it gently. He opens one eye, then the other, then he blinks. The kitchen is dead silent, and Bucky nearly slumps before he realizes that even if the aids did work, he can’t hear if there’s nothing to hear.

“Bucky?” Bucky’s head snaps towards Steve, whose eyes widen at the speed his head moves. “Can you hear me?”

Bucky swallows and nods, and Steve beams at him. “Well, they’re only a prototype,” Stark says. “We didn’t want to do it while you were asleep, so I had JARVIS estimate but you still gotta have an audiologist check it out.”

“Sure,” Bucky says, and he blinks at the sound of his voice. It makes sense that his voice is hoarse, considering he’s barely spoken in a week. It’s still surprising. Steve and Stark start talking over each other, and the sounds sort of blend into one another until Bucky is left swinging his head back and forth between them trying to keep up. “Hey!” He says loudly, smacking his hand off the countertop.

“What’s the matter, Buck?” Steve asks, concern lining his face.

“You guys are being assholes, that’s what’s up,” Bucky says, “Hearing aids don’t just give me a full range of hearing. They make it better, sure, but I can’t understand you when you’re both talking at the same time.”

“Sorry, Buck,” Steve says sheepishly. Stark just waves his hand and Bucky accepts that as the best he’s going to get.

 _What a couple of assholes, huh?_ Bucky signs, turning to Clint. Clint reaches out and adjusts Bucky’s hand position gently - did his hand linger? Is that a thing that happened? Bucky feels like that’s a thing that happened - and nods, snorting. Bucky knocks his knee against Clint’s, all friendly-like, and Clint pushes back, letting their knees press together.

 _Want to get out of here?_ Clint asks, and Bucky nods. He just wants to spend some time with Clint - he seems to be the only person who doesn’t _expect_ anything from Bucky these days. Steve wants him to be _his_ Bucky, Stark expects him to be this cold unfeeling MurderBot... Even Natalia has expectations of him, although she pretends that she doesn’t. Bucky slides off of the stool and follows Clint out of the kitchen, somehow slipping out without alerting Steve or Stark that they’re leaving.

“They mean well,” Clint says offhandedly, and Bucky nearly trips over his fucking feet at the sound of Clint’s voice. Has it always been that - that... Well, that fucking attractive? Clint’s voice reaches way deep down into Bucky and promptly gives him a boner, which, normally, Bucky would be totally okay with - but not when he’s _about to hang out, alone, with the person that he has a boner for!_

“I know,” Bucky says. “Still a pain, though.”

Clint hums in agreement, and they arrive at his room. Clint leads the way inside and slumps down onto the couch, stretching out luxuriously. His shirt rides up, revealing a strip of muscled stomach, and his sweatpants ride down, revealing the waist of Clint’s underwear. Bucky’s mouth goes a little dry. Just a little, though. “Hey, Bucky? You okay?”

His eyes snap up to meet Clint’s, who is staring at him in concern. “Fine,” he croaks, “Just fine.”

“Really?” Clint asks, moving closer. “Because you don’t _look_ fine.” He leans in until he’s about an inch or three away from Bucky’s face and says, “You _look_ like you were checking me out.”

Bucky chokes. “Only a little,” he says weakly, after he’s recovered.

“Well, if it was only a little,” Clint says, and he goes to back away but Bucky’s hand - _without fucking asking him_ \- shoots out and grabs hold of Clint’s wrist, anchoring him in place.

“Stay?” Bucky asks quietly, and Clint nods, smiling softly. He entwines their fingers together, and moves closer, his thigh pressing a warm line against Bucky’s. The warmth spreads throughout Bucky’s body, giving him a fuzzy feeling in his chest. A yawn escapes him, and suddenly, Bucky realizes he’s exhausted.

“Sleep, Bucky,” Clint’s voice says softly, as Bucky’s eyelids droop, “I’ve got you.” The last thing Bucky feels before drifting off to sleep are Clint’s fingers turning off his hearing aids and gently removing them from his ears. Fingers run through his hair and Bucky curls his body into Clint’s warmth, feeling safe and at peace for the first time in a while.


End file.
